From the time we are on the womb through our elderly years, touch plays a primary role in our development and physical and mental well-being. For those abiding by the current social distancing guidelines and living alone, hugs, a pat on the back, a caress of the arm, these everyday, incidental gestures, that keep us connected to other people, are non existent.

There is no doubt that social distancing is essential right now to slow the spread of COVD-19, but by being forced to stay in our homes, many people are finding themselves completely isolated.

With a quarter of the worlds population now living under some form of lockdown, we have been separated from our friends, colleagues and family. Studies have found that missing out on regular human touch can have some serious and long lasting effects as it plays a major role in our health and happiness.

Humans are wired to be touched. Touch decreases cortisol, the stress hormone. It increases serotonin, which is the body’s natural anti depressant, helping to regulate mood, appetite and digestion. Endorphins which are the neurotransmitters produced to relieve pain and improve mood. Oxytocin which  is known as the “love hormone” increases our feelings of bonding and belonging, all super valuable in a time of pandemic. Michelangelo was right when he said; ‘to touch can be to give life.’

Touch is our first language and one of our core needs. Dr Gary Chapman author of ‘The Five Love Languages’ spent time with couples and came up with the five languages of love that most people “receive” or “recognise”. Physical touch was one of the five and although he was thinking of romantic couples when he defined the love languages, they can be applied to any interpersonal relationship. Physical touch is a nonverbal love language people use to let others know they are cherished. We have developed context languages, cultures and emotional expression through physical contact. For those with the “physical touch” love language as an integral part of feeling rapport, care and connection with their friends, family, colleagues, no physical touch at all, means they are not receiving the psychological benefits. 

Social isolation can pose a challenge for those who speak the love language of physical touch. Although there is no exact substitution for human touch there are some alternatives that might be worth considering that offer similar health benefits. Anything that moves your skin will stimulate pressure receptors. Self massage gives the same kind of stimulation as touch from someone else. Yoga, walking, jogging, riding a bike, hugging yourself, dancing and singing are all forms of self touch. The smell of vanilla and lavender have been linked with the production of endorphins. Studies have shown that dark chocolate and spicy foods can lead the brain to release endorphins. Although we are facing much uncertainty laughter is one of the easiest ways to induce endorphin release. 

Keepsakes and sentimental objects can help us feel the presence of loved ones. Stuffed animals, photographs, treasured gifts are all reminders that you are cared about. If you have a dog or cat spending time stroking them can act as an emotional substitute for human interaction for the time being. 

Modern technology makes it easy to maintain face to face communication and connection and can be a highly effective substitute for physical contact. Video conferencing is a great way to see and be seen. There are now apps like Duo, and Houseparty, which allows groups of friends to join a single video chat and play games together.

Nothing will ever replace human touch, the human warmth we all need. My sense is when social isolation is lifted every point of physical contact between us will feel important with a rush of relief. Until that time we need to seek alternatives.

The word FOMO (fear of missing out),was added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 2013; ’Anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on social media.’ These emotions pouring through our souls, starting with a pang of envy, and rapidly followed by shame, anxiety, self-doubt and the gnawing sense of inadequacy; The pain of being forgotten, unseen with no sense of belonging. Of course, these feelings are not new, but what was formerly known as “keeping up with the Joneses” has been magnified by all the new technology that broadens our scope for comparison. The modern world makes sure we know at all times just how much we are missing. We imagine that somewhere else, people are living exactly the life that we aspire to and as a result we are left feeling inadequate, lesser and out of touch. Research shows that people with FOMO stop paying attention to their life and turn to social media for their happiness, but more often than not are left feeling the opposite. 

As all our worlds have shrunk, and we are being asked to stay at home. Social life, as we have previously known it, has all but disappeared. It has been interesting to hear my clients talk about the relief they have felt by not having to worry about what they are missing out on, that everyone else is doing or has been invited to. A lot of the frivolities that we are so used to, like eating out, travel, meeting friends and shopping are no longer possible, leaving space for learning the virtue of reflection and solitude. Recognising that nothing is happening ‘out there’ that we must be afraid to miss out on, we are being forced to have a new relationship with the physical world, which in turn also requires us to make inner adjustments and start to consider the things we cherish and make us personally happy. 

Technology is amazing, but left unchecked, it can distract us from our own lives, making it harder to feel good about life choices that, if we don’t compare with others, we are often content with. 

It is perhaps time to ask ourselves how we are going to fill the blanks that have emerged in our lives. An opportunity to reflect on emptiness, the fear of boredom, the need to compete. A time to listen and learn and react to our bodies and minds.There is lots to miss; people mainly. Not having to worry about the fun activities that everyone else is doing is a refreshing change of pace and  relaxing, but for some deeply uncomfortable.

A starting point is to focus on what remains when FOMO is removed. Like learning anything new it is a process. Instead of spending time staring in envy at the mirages of cleverly crafted bliss on social media, we can consider what changes we want to make to our own lives to find the contentment we are so longing for. I don’t imagine that FOMO will disappear, but by learning to spend more time focussing on our own truth, it will simply manifest itself in smaller, far more inconsequential ways. 

One of the many gifts we can offer ourselves during this challenging time is an inner freedom that comes from doing things that we actually find fulfilling. Without FOMO we can reflect on who we thought we were, who we thought we should be and find peace in being who we really want to be, and who we truly are. We have been handed an extended period of time to stop, learn about ourselves and consider our own values, wants and needs so that we can feed our sense of self and in turn remain rooted in knowing who we are, where our time is best spent and with who along with the things that bring us peace and joy.

With millions of people the world over entering isolation to fight against the spread of Coronavirus COVID19, the need for positivity becomes even more critical, but spare a thought for those who are struggling with the discomfort of not feeling positive. A lot of the disruption that’s resulting from COVID-19 is very distressing and many of my clients, along with people I know, are feeling overwhelmed in many different ways and yet feeling ashamed to say anything. 

It seems that over social media there are endless ways being promoted to drown out any primal alarm with things that are positive. Research shows that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature have a greater effect on one’s psychological state than neutral or positive things. Clients are struggling with the social pressure to ‘find gratitude’ along with all the ‘potential positive outcomes’ that will emerge from this crisis. There are many people that are ‘enjoying’ the isolation. Spending time with family, learning new skills, being able to take time to do things they often don’t have time to do. For others the loneliness is stark and the extra time not only a reminder of what they were struggling with before the Coronavirus, but now highlighting additional  issues that they are needing to manage.

Isolation from others makes engagement even more critical as relationships and social connections are crucial to meaning and purpose in our lives. While the Coronavirus pandemic plays out across the world, kindness should come to the fore in all our relationships. Perhaps the kindest thing we can do for anyone is listen to, support and empathise without giving advise, judging, challenging or fixing. 

There is a tendency to consistently try to make ourselves and others ‘feel better.’ Listening deeply means seeking to understand the emotions and feeling the person is expressing, knowing that we can feel hope one day and despair the next. To allow our friends and family to feel scared, angry, uncertain, sad and lonely. To bless them with the knowledge that it is okay to not be okay. Yes, it will pass, but in the moment of deep emotion being told that it will pass can appear insensitive and harsh.

We are driven by compassion and empathy, but these two can often be misdirected and instead, we can leave our friends and family members feeling unheard and unseen. Most of the time all a person wants is an empathetic ear and an understanding heart. Brene Brown in her book, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms The Way We Live writes; ‘if we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive,’ 

David Whyte in his poem; The Well Of Grief speaks beautifully about having faith that deep down at the bottom of the well there are gifts. If we can support each other through the steps of turning down below the surface without judging, but knowing the importance of ‘drinking the secret water’; finding the ‘gold coins’ so that people can emerge from whatever feelings they are having in their own time and way we allow them to emerge trusting that in the future they will again be able to dig deep. I believe kindness is being more alive to the presence of what are so often considered troubling emotions and not running away. If we choose to do so let that be fine, but let’s not put that expectation on others to do the same. It really isn’t that simple.

The Well Of Grief

‘Those who will not slip the still surface on the well of grief, turning down through its black water to the place we cannot breathe, will never know the source from which we drink, the secret water, cold and clear, nor find in the darkness glimmering, the small round coins, thrown by those who wished for something else.’

When we are going through hard times we need a way to guide ourselves and find ways to steadily carry the lamp of calm and hope for ourselves and others. We as humans have always been tested. Generations before us have gone through war, depression, epidemics and famines. As the coronavirus pandemic grows we can all find ourselves getting caught up in collective fear and anxiety. As we are being asked to socially isolate and, for most, the way we are used to living our lives has tipped upside down, it becomes even more important to draw on our inner strength. 

Meditation is known to bring unexpected changes in the way our brain and body works. It is said to be more potent than coffee. According to Buddha, meditation trains the mind to “not dwell in the past or contemplate about the future.” It allows the mind to settle in the ‘now’ and allows us to see what is in the here and now. It establishes a secure connection between our internal and external worlds. Being fully present through mindful awareness training has been demonstrated to be a crucial factor in giving us resilience to face challenges that arise in our daily lives. 

Dan Harris, a well know newscaster, writes eloquently about his scepticism and journey into meditation in his book; 10% Happier. “Meditation is the best tool I know for neutralising the voice in the head.”

For many, one the thoughts they have around meditation is that they don’t have enough time. Perhaps, now with time having a different meaning, meditation might be something that you can experiment with. As we ride the waves of emotions stirred by the coronavirus, starting your day with a morning meditation can gently release fear and anxiety and help set the conditions for a more peace-filled day.

Every morning when the Dalai Lama wakes up, he begins his morning practices with a prayer from Shantideva: ‘May I be a guard for those who need protection; a guide for those on the path; a boat, a raft, a bridge for those to cross the flood; may I be a lamp in the darkness; a resting place for the weary, and a healing medicine for all who are sick. For as long as Earth and sky endure, may I assist until all living beings are awakened.’ 

Headspace, www.headspace.com offers; ‘hundreds of options that include everything from deep breathing techniques and guided waking meditations, to semi-guided and completely unguided meditations. If time is of the essence, meditations can be as short as one minutes to as long as 20 minutes.’

There is no one size fits all to meditation. Jack Kornfield, jackkornfield.com shares a useful video titled, ‘Compassion In The Time Of Coronavirus’ and challenges us to meet our pain with compassion rather than self pity. He goes on to say that, despite not being able to see our loved ones, there are other ways to connect outside of physically. He suggests one way to do this is to practise bringing into our minds those that we love, along with those who we don’t know and who might be frightened, sick and alone. 

As a therapist I believe it is important to encourage my clients to look at other sources outside of our relationship that might help them to draw on their inner strength and bring wisdom, courage and care to not only themselves, but to those around them. I came across human.online which is something that only takes a minute. A different sort of meditation whereby you can reconnect to the simple joy of being from the comfort of your own home. A sort of magical moment where you can feel and remember how it is when someone is really present with you without having to pay or say anything.

However you choose to explore the endless possibilities of meditation my hope is that you offer yourself the opportunity to relax, to steady the mind and return to the present, remembering in moments of fear or anxiety the words of Mark Twain; ‘ My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.’

Thoughts from the Couch – Let’s Talk About Death 

As we are facing the global pandemic that is the most challenging crisis we have faced since the second world war, papers are filled with the numbers of people who have died. As I write this a total of 4,313 people have died from COVID-19 in the UK, having risen five-fold in a week. We know that these figures do not provide a precise picture of the deaths and that they will be higher. It feels as if the tsunami has entered and few of us have experience of death on this scale, so sudden, so sinister, so lonely. For many there is the anticipation of death 

Most of us are doing all we can to help the NHS by self isolating and social distancing, but in a stark new document issued by the British Medical Association, doctors set out guidelines to ration care if the NHS becomes overwhelmed with new cases as the outbreak moves towards its peak. The BMA suggested that; “ Younger, healthier people could be given priority over older people and that those with an underlying illness may not get treatment that could save them, with healthier patients given priority instead.”

There has been data from China, where COVID-19 first spread, suggesting that older people and people with chronic medical conditions may be at higher risk of severe illness from it. The potential danger, along with the fear of its spread in communities across the world, has left many older people and families nervous. 

Many of my clients are concerned about what will happen to those loved ones living with a terminal illness if they get coronavirus. Whether any services they access, like help at home or nursing care, will continue. There have been horrendous stories of people being abandoned by their carers and left to die. There are very real worries about visiting someone and the risk of infection and so the more vulnerable family members are being left to manage on their own. For those providing care for a family member or friend, there is worry about what will happen to their care should they become ill. Clients whose parents live overseas and with whom they have limited contact and those living alone becoming lonely and depressed with a rapid deterioration in their mental health.

We are hearing stories of people dying one by one, their families kept at bay and being with strangers with whom they share their last breath. As challenging as it is something that we need to consider at this time is, should a member of our family become ill and ill enough to need to be taken to hospital, do we know what their wishes would be. 

Death is a hard conversation to have at the best of times and for many deeply uncomfortable, it is easier not to talk about it. To metaphorically cover our eyes and ears and not look at the possibility that this virus might end in death. Dr Kathryn Mannix, author of With The End In Mind and who was a palliative care nurse for thirty years, talks about the importance of understanding what is potentially going to happen if taken to hospital with Coronavirus on BBC Sounds; The Coronavirus Newscast. She explains the difference between the need to be given oxygen versus the next step, which is to be put on a ventilator. Demystifying the process offers a calm in these stormy seas. She offers comfort to those of us who have had images of people gasping for breath and really challenges us all to have conversations with our loved ones, whilst they are well and not to try and figure out what the best thing to do or what they might have wanted in moments of crisis and panic. We need to be clear as to what sort of life they want as sometimes it is not as simple as, ‘do whatever you can’. 

Sometimes life after being put on a ventilator is not as we would wish it and that is where we need to be guided by the medical profession. In the first instance we need to reframe our thoughts about talking to our loved ones about death as, although uncomfortable, should the worst case happen it is helpful and means that, if it happens, we know what needs to be done and can fulfil our loved ones wishes.

Perhaps that is the most loving thing we can do. 

In the space of a month, the United Kingdom has changed beyond recognition. British life has been transformed dramatically, and so fast that none of us have really had time to dwell on it and the nation are still adjusting to a systemic shock. There have been many comparisons to World War 11 where an enemy attacked, today our generation is facing its own test, fighting a very real and new disease. Time at home is better than having to fight, but in some ways the effects are similar.

With talk of 50-80% of the global population potentially contracting Covid-19, there is a loss of what Maslo considered to be one of our most basic human needs; Safety.  With personal safety, personal security, emotional security, financial security and health being about keeping us safe from harm. Paramount to these include shelter, job security, health and safe environments all of which are being threatened, for most, in one way or another. Our primitive mind knows that something bad is happening, but we can’t see it, which breaks our sense of safety and for many that core loss of is very disconcerting.

Many of my clients are thinking about the lives they have taken so for granted and are anxious as to what the future holds. For some, there is an impatience, a sort of denial of the reality of what is happening and for others a bargaining; “If I don’t go out then this will go away.” What we need to recognise is that each of us will be managing this time differently, but without a doubt every one of us will be experiencing an element of loss. With the fear of the economic toll, job losses, social isolation, loneliness, illness and the death of loved ones, there is an atmosphere of shock, fear and grief when talking to my clients. 

Who would have ever imagined that at a time where family and friends are so needed, we are being asked to remain indoors with as little physical contact to the outside world as possible. We humans aren’t meant to live in isolation; loneliness has been proven to cause serious repercussions. There is a lot of uncertainty and my sense is that, as a therapist, I offer a solid ground in an otherwise unpredictable and fearful world. A place where my clients can allow their most vulnerable and powerful selves to be seen. As William James said; “We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.”

In 1969, Elizabeth Kugler-Ross described five popular stages of grief. They include; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We are grieving collectively and individually and I am finding myself supporting my clients through different stages of these, depending on what they are dealing with. It is important to point out that these stages are not linear and some people might only undergo a couple of the stages rather than all five. There is no right or wrong way to work through grief and loss and important to allow ourselves to have whatever feelings emerge knowing that grief is a temporary state.

Another loss that my clients are experiencing is our face to face meetings. It takes time for many to get used to telephone and online therapy, especially if they have been used to face to face, and yet, research on the subject finds this way to be just as effective as in-person therapy. Professor Sophie Scott states that; “Video calling has been proven to be just as good for your brain and happiness as being in the same space.”  I am offering virtual therapy sessions for all my clients acknowledging that this will become part of our routines for this indefinite and uncertain period of time. What we do know is that when the world around us feels unstable therapy can offer a supportive and reliable environment where you can express and feel all your emotions in the knowledge that your therapist can meet and metaphorically hold you, shining their light through these challenging times.