The Conditions Of Love – the philosophy of intimacy – John Armstrong. Explores questions such as ‘What does it really mean to love another person?’ ‘How does infatuation differ from the real thing?’ ‘Is there such a thing as the ‘perfect’ partner?’

Out of The Shadows – understanding sexual addiction – Patrick Carnes. This book acknowledges that sex is at the core of our identities and when it becomes a compulsion, it can unravel our lives.

Eating In The Light Of The Moon – how women can transform their relationships with food – Anita Johnston. A book that inspires women to free themselves from disordered eating by discovering the metaphors that are hidden in their own life stories.

When Food Is Love – exploring the relationship between eating and intimacy – Geneen Roth. Looking at the similarities between eating and loving, and the five patterns that they have in common.

Passionate Marriage – keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships – David Schnarch. This book covers everything from understanding love relationships to helpful ‘tools for connection’ to keeping the sparks alive years down the road.

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered – how couples http://www.healthcarewell.com/online-pharmacy/ really work – Wyn Bramley. This book, written in plain language is aimed at lay readers who wish to understand how couples consciously and unconsciously operate in successful and unsuccessful partnerships.

The New Male Sexuality – the truth about men, sex, and pleasure – Bernie Zilbergeld. This book addresses the most urgent questions of men today, deftly separating hype from the reality.

The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari – Robin Sharma. An inspiring tale that shows a step by step pathway for living with greater courage, balance, abundance and joy.

Reviving Ophelia – saving the selves of adolescent girls – Mary Pipher. An eye opening look at the everyday dangers of being young and female, and how adults can help.

The Dance of Anger – a woman’s guide to changing the pattern of intimate relationships – Harriet Lerner. An exploration of how women get caught in the anger trap.

Broken Open – how difficult times can help us grow – Elizabeth Lesser. Showing how you can transform any difficult transition into a time of great strength and awakening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPx-qpos57g

Clinical psychologist and a couple and relationship therapy expert, Hedy Schleifer “crosses the bridge” with TEDxTelAviv audience and brings laughter and passion to the adventure of learning the art of listening.

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days. All things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten will pass to someone else. Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed. Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear. So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to do lists will expire. The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away. It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived. At the end, whether you were beautiful or brilliant, male or female will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?

How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built, not what you got, but what you gave. What will matter is not your success, but your significance. What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught. What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage or sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others. What will matter is not your competence, but your character. What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone. What will matter is not your memories, but the memories that live in those that loved you. Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s not a matter or circumstances, but of choice.

Choose a life that matters.

by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

For reasons of health, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Colombia’s illustrious Nobel Laureate for literature, has declared his retirement from public life. He has terminal cancer and sends this letter of farewell to friends and lovers of literature.

If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life, I would use it to the best of my ability.

I wouldn’t, possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful of all I say.

I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express.

I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light.

I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep.

If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy.

To all men, I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love.

I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves.

To old people I would say that death doesn’t arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness.

I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken & the form used to reach the top of the hill.

I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father’s finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life.

I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground.

Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul.

If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say “I love you.”

There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you & that I will never forget you.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old. Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn’t wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.

Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them “I am sorry,” “forgive me, “please,” “thank you,” and all those loving words you know.

Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them.

Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you.

Send this letter to those you love. If you don’t do it today…tomorrow will be like yesterday, and if you never do it, it doesn’t matter either, the moment to do it is now.

For you, with much love,

Your Friend,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez

The great challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment, regardless of what other people do, say, think or believe. This article reminds us that every time we get offended, it is actually an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be suffering, which is not always easy, but something I know offers me a more peaceful existence if I at least try to remind myself to do.

There is an ancient and well-kept secret to happiness which the Great Ones have known for centuries. They rarely talk about it, but they use it all the time, and it is fundamental to good mental health. This secret is called The Fine Art of Not Being Offended. In order to truly be a master of this art, one must be able to see that every statement, action and reaction of another human being is the sum result of their total life experience to date.

In other words, the majority of people in our world say and do what they do from their own set of fears, conclusions, defenses and attempts to survive. Most of it, even when aimed directly at us, has nothing to do with us. Usually, it has more to do with all the other times, and in particular the first few times, that this person experienced a similar situation, usually when they were young.

Yes, this is psychodynamic. But let’s face it, we live in a world where psychodynamics are what make the world go around. An individual who wishes to live successfully in the world as a spiritual person really needs to understand that psychology is as spiritual as prayer. In fact, the word psychology literally means the study of the soul.

All of that said, almost nothing is personal. Even with our closest loved ones, our beloved partners, our children and our friends. We are all swimming in the projections and filters of each other’s life experiences and often we are just the stand-ins, the chess pieces of life to which our loved ones have their own built-in reactions. This is not to dehumanize life or take away the intimacy from our relationships, but mainly for us to know that almost every time we get offended, we are actually just in a misunderstanding. A true embodiment of this idea actually allows for more intimacy and less suffering throughout all of our relationships. When we know that we are just the one who happens to be standing in the right place at the right psychodynamic time for someone to say or do what they are doing—we don’t have to take life personally. If it weren’t us, it would likely be someone else.

This frees us to be a little more detached from the reactions of people around us. How often do we react to a statement of another by being offended rather than seeing that the other might actually be hurting? In fact, every time we get offended, it is actually an opportunity to extend kindness to one who may be suffering—even if they themselves do not appear that way on the surface. All anger, all acting out, all harshness, all criticism, is in truth a form of suffering.

When we provide no Velcro for it to stick, something changes in the world. We do not even have to say a thing. In fact, it is usually better not to say a thing. People who are suffering on the inside, but not showing it on the outside, are usually not keen on someone pointing out to them that they are suffering. We do not have to be our loved one’s therapist. We need only understand the situation and move on. In the least, we ourselves experience less suffering and at best, we have a chance to make the world a better place.

This is also not to be confused with allowing ourselves to be hurt, neglected or taken advantage of. True compassion does not allow harm to ourselves either. But when we know that nothing is personal, a magical thing happens. Many of the seeming abusers of the world start to leave our lives. Once we are conscious, so-called abuse can only happen if we believe what the other is saying.

When we know nothing is personal, we also do not end up feeling abused. We can say, “Thank you for sharing,” and move on. We are not hooked by what another does or says, since we know it is not about us. When we know that our inherent worth is not determined by what another says, does or believes, we can take the world a little less seriously. And if necessary, we can just walk away without creating more misery for ourselves or having to convince the other person that we are good and worthy people.

The great challenge of our world is to live a life of contentment, regardless of what other people do, say, think or believe. The fine art of not being offended is one of the many skills for being a practical mystic. Though it may take a lifetime of practice, it is truly one of the best kept secrets for living a happy life.

Dr. Shemsi Prinzivalli

Some people are born into this world with a natural and strong vessel of resiliency. Whether due to genetics or a more intangible cause, they are strong in their body and mind right from the start. We all see this with little babies who are no more than a few days old. When later combined with a network of family and community who accept them for who they are, who provide the capacity for contact and intimacy, the result is strength and the ability to act and create a life for themselves that is ‘good enough.’ These people seem able to handle the winds of life and change, the instability of the world in general. They have an inherent capacity to continue on, regardless of the challenges presented to them. Their health and spirit have been strengthened over time by loving parents and family. Even if one parent is severely damaged, the other and the community, or extended family around them are able to make up for that loss. Their underlying constancy of life is sufficiently strong to allow them to bear the chaos and change of life. And once in a while, a rare few seem to just be born with this resiliency despite a destructive environment and perhaps less than healthy body. But many of us are not so fortunate. We seem to have been born with a fragility or sensitivity to the world from the very beginning, or it was torn apart by the family vessel, by wounded or lost parents and insufficient family members to repair whatever damage may have been done. Some of us are in a constant state of shock, despair or frustration. Some carry this fragility without it being known to the world. Others show it constantly. However it is manifested, be it a broken body or desperate soul, most with this fragility also have a fragile capacity for intimacy. Intimacy and contact is experienced as too painful. It has been so wounded in the beginning that as we go through life, we cannot seem to have healthy relationships no matter how much we try.

At some point, some of the deeply fortunate ones discover or create a new web of resiliency. We find lifemates or community or mentors who are able to hold us in such a way that this fragile net begins to be repaired. Ironically it does not begin by ‘loving ourselves’ but through the patience and love and nourishment of an other, that we are able to rebuild this net that has been destroyed in many places. The underlying fabric of life begins to be repaired in adulthood at some point through the discovery of others, of community or even a single person who unknowingly is resilient enough in themselves to sustain the constancy of intimacy for another.

Sadly, some in this fragile category just end up on the fringe of life, damaged irreparably, often addicted, incarcerated, institutionalized, or alone. Yet even for these people, with some exceptions for sure, there is the possibility of repair. But in these circumstances we are presented with a tremendous challenge, as it is only for God to determine the timing and conditions of that repair. One individual is never the answer, though many try and believe they are the one who can heal the other. This is rarely the case and is rather a trap that ends in even greater misfortune as the helper slowly discovers they are not able to be ‘the one’ to save the another person, often leaving them feeling empty and inadequate. It is so easy for good-hearted people to believe that with enough love, someone else can be healed. But this is truly not the case, or at least it has never been my experience. People, sadly, cannot be loved into health and resiliency and well-being unless they are a willing and active participant.

So what is the solution for those who live a fragile existence? It usually begins by self-identification. We must first be able to face and accept that we are in this category of human beings despite our wish to be otherwise. Many of us have built a false artifact that we present to the world, an artifact of something we are not, an artifact of total strength or confidence or the opposite- an artifact of victimization and helplessness. Either way, we must face that we have created an artificial self that is not real in order to make up for our fragile self. We must also acknowledge that this fragility is not our fault, we did not ask for it, we did not create it and we are nor morally weak for having it. But we must face it straight on. We must give up the false hope that someone will come along and save us and bear the truth….the truth that we must save ourselves. We must save ourselves by first acknowledging and then seeking out the appropriate conditions for repair. There are many variations and options for this repair but there seems to be one quality which is essential…the capacity to build and bear intimacy with another, the capacity for contact that allows a free flow in both directions of love and support and contact and sharing. This building process is usually a slow one. Initially we must resist the pattern and urge to destroy relationships, to run or become such a flame thrower that others are so hurt that they must leave us. We must resist the urge to destroy what is good because it feels so unbearable or we feel so undeserving underneath it all. But we must continue on and save ourselves in spite of ourselves.

Sometimes we begin by seeking out at least one person who can maintain a constancy with us as we struggle and fight and regress and act out on our self-hatred. This repair usually starts with just one person. Often this one person then reaches their limit and we must let go and begin building with another person. Again and again we make contact and stay……we stay as long as we can. And slowly this fabric of life begins to be rewoven and rebuilt. We must have the fortitude to continue even when we are constantly failing. We must have the capacity to get back up and continue the repair. We can only do this by continuing to acknowledge that we are broken. And this acknowledgement can only come by courageously and fearlessly telling the truth about ourselves and the people around us, by allowing that fragile self to be seen and known by another and by the experience that this other can bear our fragility. Thus, the extreme difficulty of this facing of ourselves can only begin from within and cannot be done by anyone else. It Is truly the path less taken. And it is truly a path that is abandoned by some when the road gets too difficult. I am also speaking here about our personal lives, not our work lives, which fall into an entirely different category for sure.

But let us always be willing to begin again, those of us with fragile constitutions. Let us constantly begin again and know that repair is possible as long as we are alive and breathing. Repair is possible if we can bear ourselves long enough to recognize the people and environments who have that inherent resiliency, or who have at least traveled the path of repair further along than we have. Like Jacob’s ladder, one hand extending down to pull up the next soul, we must reach up for the next hand, seek it out, not flee or destroy, but continue to build. Always continue to build. Always continue to be willing to face our darkest demons. And still occasionally acknowledging that some in our lives have come to the end of what they can contain in us or what we can contain in them. Two people equally wounded in resiliency cannot help each other. Our ego must be able to bear that we need someone stronger than ourselves to show us the way and to put ourselves in that environment and allow them to show us and allow ourselves to bear the discomfort of intimacy. Strangely, it is intimacy that is so very hard to bear for those of us whose underlying fabric is so fragile. For most, it must come in tiny doses and increases from there. And the form is unimportant. Sometimes it is a therapist, sometimes a trusted friend or family member, sometimes a life partner. The form is less important than the willingness to reveal ourselves to at least one human being on the earth whom we know has the capacity to see us.

And including all of this, for most of us with fragile constitutions, we must also be willing to accept that a part of us may never be repaired and that does not make us bad people. It just makes us fragile people who must constantly be willing to accommodate our lives for this aspect of our being. Some parts of us will continue to be strengthened and healed. Some may not. We must be able to also face and bear that reality. And we must teach the world around us to bear it as well. Brokenness is not a moral issue. It is a fact of life. We must continually strive to repair while at the same time strive to bear what has not yet been woven together again. And the key is the capacity for intimacy, true intimacy that holds both boundaries and generosity of heart.

True intimacy is not about a bleeding out of the life force. True intimacy contains deep contact while at the same time the capacity to separate and know that the beloved other shall return. The bearing of separation is as much a part of intimacy as is the bearing of generous expression of love and contact. True intimacy allows for the other to leave and fulfill their own life’s mission, while knowing they will return, and all the while maintaining a sense of well-being and emotional contact even as the other is absent physically. Then again, we must seek out those of resiliency who do have the capacity to return, not just bond intensely and then leave or move on to the next person, never to be seen again.

Thus, the dance of repair of a fragile vessel is a life-long event. We all have places of strength, some more than others, but we all have some. We must build on those places especially those of us who are the fragile ones. By starting where we really are, rather than where we wish we were or think we should be, we can continue to build on the true strength that exists in us. And it all begins by bearing intimacy. This is the manna of life, the true means of fulfillment. We all know that a life of luxury and wealth is an empty existence if we have no one to love and share it with. We all know that when we have love in our lives, the true outer creation and vessel of environment begins to flow and we find the home and work life that is right for us. But only when we have people in our lives whom we know can contain our truest selves. This is the richness and the repair. By becoming more and more honest with ourselves and those we love and who love us, we are never helpless or hopeless.

-Shems Prinzivalli

When you come to me, know that we are both the Essence of God.
I will welcome you with honor, gratitude, and love.

And if you bring me anger, may I give you love;
If you bring fear, may I give you courage.
If you bring sorrow, may I give you joy;
If you bring me uncertainty and doubt, may I give you peace.
And if you come prozac online willing to receive,
May I give you all that I am.

When you come to me,
I will see you and know you to be who you truly are,
Perfect in every way,
Always.

May all healing between us
Begin in the endless heart, yours, mine, and that of all life,
Now and forever.

Via Sara Rodriguez on Mar 17, 2014

She’s the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.

Some might see her as cold and distant, because she needs a significant amount of alone time to keep her from feeling scattered and spread so thin that she disappears. Sure, she has family and friends with whom she loves to spend much of her time, but it’s in her nature to crave those precious hours of solitude—being only with her thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene.

Some call it antisocial; she calls it sanity.

For any or all of these reasons and then some, she’s never been the type to “fall in love.” In fact, if she has ever been in a relationship to any degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and confusing things she’s ever experienced—and she’s not usually one to be deterred.

Perhaps she’s too focused on her goals to realize that love could be knocking on her door, or she’s so comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes her uneasy. There’s also a chance that, despite her outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, she’s extremely insecure.

Or, maybe she’s simply afraid of opening herself up enough to be loved.

Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this girl probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give her. It doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with her will require an approach that’s more sensitive to her guarded heart.

In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning how to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved:

1. Be patient.

Don’t expect her to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability step on the brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.

To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

2. Talk.

Because she spends so much of her time alone and in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. She values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

So talk with her. Let her know that she can say what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.

Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.

And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

3. Support her.

Part of this girl’s struggle with letting herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.

If she is forced to make a choice between a love life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.

And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

Instead, support her. If you really love this girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll want her on your team.

4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole.

Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.

Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

This includes honoring her need for alone time. She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.

Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again.

But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stick around, too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).

Truly, this girl has a lot of love to give, even if she’s a bit awkward in showing it at first. She just needs time—time to figure things out for herself, to better understand how this works.

Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

If she happens to let you close enough to love her, take it seriously. It means she’s trying. It means she wants to love you. And remember that helping her learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win her heart.

This writing by Jennifer Welwood resonated with me :-

The Journey Of the Soul

My soul http://your-pharmacies.com said to me, there is suffering,
and she led me into the dark lands,
deep into the darkness without a light;
She trained me in all the ardors
of opening to the darkness,
and of waiting, without hope, in the darkest night.

My soul said to me, there is suffering,
and stripped away my robe of glory;
She stripped away my very flesh, and then my bones.
She said, feel deeply now into the emptiness,
Learn all it has to teach you,
but first abandon any dream of going home.

My soul said to me, you are opened now –
I have made your heart transparent;
She descended then, like a queen who claims her throne;
and she blazed forth with a radiance
that illumined all the darkness,
and I knew myself at last, and all was home.

My soul said to me, I am the light
that brings an end to suffering;
I am the mystic star that portends the mystic birth.
I enter matter to redeem her,
falling down into the darkness;
now I awaken in your heart and walk the earth.

My soul said to me, will you serve now?
I would make of you a vessel;
There is suffering, so many beings lost and alone.
In tears I answered, how can you ask me this,
as though I could refuse you,
as though my every cell were not your own.

My soul said to me, I will carry you,
for your journey is far from over,
but from here your every step belongs to me;
I will guide you and sustain you,
transform you and act through you,
and not cease until every being is free.